Fathers Day. Ergh. The day I dread for the weeks that lead up to it. Shops full of heartfelt messages on cards, adverts showing how fun having a super cool dad can be. Blergh. Fuck you Father’s Day.
Years of never feeling good enough, always nervous and worried you were going to tell me off, yet still weirdly desperately seeking your approval. Never fully able to be myself so rather than disappoint I would just not say anything. A whole childhood with only a handful of memories to show for it.
Arguing with you on that day. The day. The day that would change our lives forever. The phone call that to this day I feel somehow guilty about, even though I did nothing wrong. But doing what you do best, you made it all about you.
Even through my diagnosis, I thought you would reach out. A call, a text, even a message passed on through my amazing grandparents to say ‘ I know I’m a dick, but I’ve heard you’re ill. I’m sorry’ but no. Nothing. Too wrapped up in your own world to even consider that for the first time in my life I needed you. But history repeats itself doesn’t it. Instead of being angry at you, I was angry at myself for needing you.
6 years later and we are here. Still bitter. Still angry. It doesn’t get easier, I just have more important worries consuming my days.
The hardest part is we will never get closure. We will never get an apology, never get an honest conversation with you because in your head, you did nothing wrong.
Your beautiful grandchildren don’t even remember you. Their lives are bursting with love from the amazing people close to them, so they don’t need you, we have all made sure of that.
So without closure we are just left. Left to somehow carry on, being broken inside from your lies and manipulation. But we are closer.
My beautiful Mum and Sisters are my best friends so I suppose we have you to thank for that. It pushed us closer together and made us a team. Us and you.
My children and my sisters children will never have to feel like we did. They will never feel not good enough all the time and scared to have their own voices incase it offends. They are beautiful little people (well Vinnie not so little 😂) They live everyday with the confidence to be themselves without judgement.
Father’s Day for us will to celebrate Glenn, Martin, Gavin and Karl and Declan and the amazing role models you all are. Selfless, hard working and loving. They are proper dads right there.
So Happy Father’s Day, “Dad”. Have a nice day in your little flat for one 🖕🏻