The quieter things become, the more you can hear

So it’s June already. Week whatever the fuck we’re on of lockdown.

I’m struggling a lot lately, with everything but nothing all at once. I have amazing people around me (virtually!) but I miss seeing people.

The girl who hates hugs, would do anything for one!

In December when this all started for us, the thing that kept me going was support from everyone I love. The cups of tea, glasses of wine over dinner, cackling away like desperate housewives. The catch up at the school gates and the listening to everyone else’s lives.

Immersing myself into work kept me going. It gave me a purpose and kept me sane. I made the conscious choice to carry on working. Granted, it took a few weeks of burning the candle at both ends to make me realise that I needed to slow down, but I did.

But now there is nothing. No prezzo dates with the girls, no popping into my mums for a cuppa when I’m struggling, no texts from one of my best friends saying “tea tonight?”. No FaceTime or Zoom calls can ever replace real life.

The time in my life where I need people the most, I feel the most alone.

The hospital stays make you feel even more lonely. You’re there for a purpose; to look after your child. You lose all right to be your own person. You are never called by your name, you are known as so and so’s Mum. I’ve met some lovely parents in the ward, but couldn’t tell you their names.

It’s hard to keep painting on a smile too. Last week I had a wobble and felt like I was on the verge of crying all day. I decided to go for a walk to the vending machine, using the excuse to Ellis that I was getting him some of the drinks he likes. A short walk on my own to clear my head. As I was walking out, Ellis’ lovely physio called me by my name and asked me if I was ok. I nearly cried there and then, it took everything in my power to hold it together. Someone actually called me by my name and not Ellis’ Mum. He genuinely seemed to care how I was. I think I made some mumbling remark about not feeling great, but wasn’t anything compared to what Ellis was going through.

Truth is, I needed a friend. I needed to cry into a coffee there and then. To have a moan and have someone tell me it was all going to be ok. But you can’t do that with a stranger in a hospital ward!

Things will get better, it’s already changing. His treatment ends within the next few months then hopefully life as we knew it will resume.

Until then, FaceTime and snapchat will have to do.


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