Moving on peacefully

My blogs are becoming few and far between lately, nothing is really happening is the cancer world for either me or Ellis and lockdown has made it impossible to have any conversation that doesn’t involve “When this is all over” or “In the summer….”

For me, I’m in a really good place.

I am enjoying work (albeit challenging), I am sort of getting on top of balancing working from home and the dreaded home learning.

Things are calm.

Yesterday I decided to look back at pictures of Ellis’ journey as I am starting to forget.

If someone had said to me last summer that I would start to forget, I would laugh at them. It seemed impossible. The never ending roller coaster of emotions, appointments, chaotic days…. are all gone.

I looked back at the pictures last night and smiled. I felt content.

I didn’t smile because it doesn’t feel sad, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.

It’s now a ‘time in our life’.

A memory.

We’ve done it.

We’re no longer living in hell, terrified of every appointment, clinging on to every bloody result like his life depended on it… I mean it kind of did!

I feel at peace with it all.

I feel accomplished.

This is what it feels like to finally have closure.

I will forever carry around with me the things we learnt along the way, the things we experienced together and how they have shaped me into who I am now.

So in a strange way, I’m thankful for it.

It taught me that life can be fragile. It taught me that I am strong beyond anything I could imagine. It taught me that I can achieve anything as long as I fight for it.

Most importantly, it taught me to appreciate the silence.

When things are sailing on the calm, when the only drama is what to watch on TV that night, when life is simple.

I have a new found appreciation for walks, peace, nature, views. I spent so many days last year looking out of the view across London from his hospital ward. So many days walking around Regents Park, trying to keep my mind occupied. Watching the people go by, the squirrels jumping from tree to tree, it’s what kept me going.

My go to escape used to be angry car drives with the music up full, an angry run or dog walk with the music up full (I’m sensing a theme…)

But now it’s peace that silences my mind.

Now to start making new memories with my babies… peaceful, drama free ones 😝


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