Fed up of having to choose

Christmas Eve 2019 I was forced to choose between seeing my babies getting excited, putting mince pies out for Santa or going with Ellis to his biopsy.

I had to quickly learn to separate ‘want’ from ‘need’ and do what was needed.

Feelings didn’t come into it.

It was tough.

Now I am facing the same situation.

A last minute appointment at UCLH London on my birthday for Beth, who’s appointment was brought forward because the surgeon wants to talk about the next steps.

In my house, birthday mornings are the best part. The part where all the children, no matter how big, get up early and climb into bed to watch open presents. It’s our little tradition that’s been going for nearly 17 years.

Until this year.

The 6 year old who hates change and loves giving, will not be waking up with me in my birthday.

She won’t see me until I’m back home.

I’m trying frantically to put things in place to make sure she will be ok. To make sure she won’t panic because things are different and won’t feel bad for not giving me a birthday hug.

I’m so sick of cancer coming first.

I’m sick of it dictating my life and how I parent.

I want to spend my birthday having tired snuggles in bed, with poorly made tea where they have tried and home made cards.

Not sitting on a train at 6.30am drinking coffee from a travel mug.

I’m so sick of it all.

It’s just not fair.

I speak to my counsellor regularly about how I feel sorry for myself and my family lately, but I always end it with ‘I am having a pity party for one, but I know I can’t unpack here!’

I know what to say. I even know how to feel.

But putting it into practice is bloody hard.

I just feel so so fed up of it all.

It’s been just over 2 years of constant hospital trips, days off work, appointments, tests…. I don’t want to do it anymore.

But that’s the thing about cancer isn’t it.

It doesn’t let you chose. It’s in control.

Even when you feel like your little family has had more than it’s fair share and you dare to think ‘we’re safe’ it comes crashing and banging it’s way to get your attention.

I don’t want any more appointments.

I don’t want any more tests.

I don’t want any more ridiculously expensive train journeys and horrible travel mug coffee.

I just want to be normal.

For it to be quiet.

Just for a bit.

And I don’t feel like I’m asking a lot.



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