Running on empty

Where do I begin.

At the start? Of Beth’s journey? Ellis’? Or mine?

It’s all just one big blur at the moment.

I would just very much like it all to pause and be still. Just for a moment. Just enough for me to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. Just enough for me to fall asleep without having to take meds and to not wake until morning, blissfully enjoying the peace.

I’m tired of being strong.

I’m tired of being OK.

Because I’m not.

I try. God I try so damn hard. I pretend I’m OK because it’s easier than admitting I’m not.

I just want it all to stop.

The hospitals, the appointments, the check ups, the logistical nightmares of being in 3 different places at once, the financial strain.

I just need a break.

I finally got to the point last week that I knew I needed some help. I rung up my GP to ask for anti depressants along side my counselling. The same GP who misdiagnosed both my children.

It took 3 days before I heard anything and when I finally did, the reception said she could fit me in for a ‘chat’ next Thursday.

Over a week away.


Last week was Beth’s operation. She was simply amazing and took it all in her stride. I was so proud, as always.

I however, got no sleep. I laid there all night listening to the machines, the trolleys, the kids crying, the air con…. It was like I was back in my old nightmare again. The nightmare that I have tried so hard for 2 years to forget.

I’m struggling.

I’m not coping.

But I don’t know what to do now.

I feel like I’m on the verge of crying every minute of everyday at the moment.

Everything that’s kept me going for the last two years no longer works. I’m just tired.

It’s just not fair. None of it.

Not fair on me. Not fair on Matt for this crazy world that he has signed up to.

But mostly, it’s not fair on my beautiful babies.

I’m so sick of them feeling sad and having their world being ripped from under them. In our house, cancer is just like a cold. It’s in every conversation we have, it dictates our holidays, our days out, any future plans we have, school.

It’s just always there.



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